SUBWAY SUCKS

Today I found out Subway; now the world’s largest fast food chain; is no longer accepting credit cards as payment. (In New Zealand anyway) Presumably this is to save them from forking out the whopping 2% transaction charge, and squeeze out some more profit.

Congratulations Subway, you've lost my business permanently because you are too cheap to cough up $0.09 cents on that 6” sub.

However this has been the last straw in a slow, gradual death by a thousand cuts for this stingy franchise.

In no particular order, here are my other pet peeves:

Sandwich artist - I love this term – nothing lends itself more to creativity than filling processed food into a bread-hole under strict serving guidelines by management, and being tailor ordered by the customer who gleefully enjoys the brief power trip of pointing at stuff and making the minimum wage slave assemble it to specifications. Plus, once the 'artwork' is unwrapped, it looks like a wilted, soggy, crime scene.

Healthy Option – This is their marketing machine trick to lure you into thinking you are making smart choices! Granted, the less than 6g of fat versions are possibly better than McDonalds, but once you start adding ‘cheese’ and ‘sauce’ to it to make it slightly palatable you aren’t much better off. Then when you add a sugar syrup drink and cookie and you're back to square one. Which brings me to:

Jared – remember the guy who lost 10 cubic tonnes by only eating Subway? Here’s a happy looking Jared to refresh your memory:

But where is he now? I’ll tell you. He’s in Guantanamo Bay being fed a  meagre diet of micro-waved celery under strict 24 hour surveillance sobbing himself to sleep every night, in foetal position, wearing a baggy orange jumpsuit until it’s time to wheel him out for the next publicity drive. I’ll bet he was happier being morbidly obese spending lonely evenings with a tower of delivery pizza, R-rated fetish anime DVD’s and a keg of Mountain Dew.

Meats – I probably am flattering them by calling that pet-food grade processed garbage ‘meat’ but I’ll start off at the top. The ‘salami’ and ‘ham’ is sliced so thin you can read text through it, which does beg the question “what is in those plump, generously round meatballs?” I shudder to think.

Whatever that white mush coated in 'brown' and machine pressed into fillet shapes called chicken is: I don’t want to know.

And for seafood lovers, if you think that ‘crab meat’ is anything other than miscellaneous dead animals washed up on the shore and mashed together into a hideous mutation with flavouring gathered by wringing out the string mop used to clean the decks of fishing vessels - then you deserve whatever gastro ailment is coming to you.

Cheese – no comment necessary.

Tomato – I’m not sure what sort of genetically engineered abortion these really are, but they sure as hell ain’t tomatoes. At least if they used that frog DNA to GE them, they'll have real actual meat...

Lettuce – probably the only safe thing on the menu, if you like your sub decorated with yellow/ brown shredded iceberg sprinkled in miserly quantities. You should see the look on their faces when you demand a decent serving!

Cucumber – I never liked cucumber but I used get them to throw some of these on because:  

• They are sliced so thin they are tasteless anyway
• By getting the sandwich artist to perform the extra task, I am getting better ‘value for money’
• Out of pure spite, I wish to deplete their stocks so they need to laser-slice more

Olives – These taste like used tyres, and let’s face it... they probably are. On the plus side, at least they’re recycling.

Serviettes – Subway make their napkins out paper so cheap & nasty that they almost remove skin when removing the post-sub evidence from your face. So why is it I had to actually ASK for one each time? What profit margins are they working to that dishing out a free serviette with each sandwich has to be requested?

Sauce selection – when they started, there was an amazing array of sauces, but now basic staples like ‘mustard’ no longer exist in favour of trendy sounding, but tasteless slop like honey mustard.

Not that it really matters because EVERY GODDAMN SANDWICH TASTES THE SAME.