Sunday, 15 May 2011

How to Drive Like an Asshole

So, you’ve just got your driver’s licence. You’ve aced the theory, nailed the practical, so you think you know all there is to know about diving incompetently, selfishly and dangerously on the roads right?
Driving like an asshole takes YEARS of practice to perfect. But since a key prerequisite of Asshole Driving is impatience, these 3 easy steps will help you get there... faster.

Asshole: Beginner

Mirrors are for applying lipstick, fixing your hair and checking to see if you have food between your teeth. That is all. The wing mirrors are ornamental, but can be used as a distance marker when scraping through a drive-thru.

When parking, never walk further than you have to. Just keep the car idling right outside the entrance until someone starts backing out. Let no one past you, and don’t reverse to let the guy out. Better they make a 20 point turn rather than inconvenience you!

Toss your empty drink bottles, cigarette butts and McRubbish out the window. People are paid good money to clean up after you. Give them something to do!

On the motorway, drive at least 40 kmph under the speed limit. During a thunderstorm, naturally speed up to 140 kmph.

The vehicle user manual suggests regular maintenance and servicing. Don't bother, it just costs money. Plus, the black plumes of smoke belching out of your exhaust hardly affect you, so why bother?

With your busy schedule, why not multi-task and save time. You can shave whole minutes off your day by doing other activities whilst you drive! Other motorists and pedestrians can adjust accordingly as you swerve all over the road while texting, playing with your GPS, reaching for another handful of drive-thru fries or reading the sports section of the paper.

When I'm at a gas station, I like to fill up, pay and get the hell out of there as fast as possible. Prevent that from happening by ordering a crappy cappuccino that takes 20 minutes to make from the one person serving behind the counter, as the restless queue grows.

Asshole: Intermediate

Always use the handicapped parks. How many disabled actually drive anyway? Judging by all the empty parks, not many. Hell, why not straddle two in case they scratch your paintwork getting out of their car? They can use the exercise anyway!

Merging (Them) If they wanted to get in front of you, they should’ve left home earlier! When they indicate to merge, speed up and close that gap. Pretend you don’t see them. Don’t make eye contact.

Merging (You) If you see cars are merging into one lane up ahead – here’s a good opportunity to make up for lost time. Bury the accelerator, shoot right to the front of the line and push in!

Speed Limits are merely a guide to be followed by other more inexperienced drivers – not you. You are skilled to drive as fast as you like.  Anyone merely doing the speed limit on the open road is slowing you down! Encourage them to pull over by closing that following distance and tailgate with your nose pressed hard into their rear end. If they brake suddenly, your cat-like reflexes and superior machinery will prevent an accident anyway, right?

 For you, this sign is in miles per hour = 80kmph!

Don't bother indicating. Extending a finger slightly to activate it only slows you down as you whip in and out of lanes in order to secure pole position at the next set of lights. Racing cars don’t have indicators because they have excellent drivers... just like you!
If turning into 2 way rush hour traffic, make sure the queue building behind going the other way can’t get past by hogging both lanes. You have to wait... so why shouldn’t they? Also use the turning lane when you are going straight ahead!

Advanced Masterclass: The SUV

Own and drive a ridiculously large SUV. Let’s ignore any Freudian reasons for needing a vehicle of this size, and concentrate on the benefits!

6 cylinders, 5 seats, 4 wheels and 1 asshole.

Street Parking: Here's where you can make the roads dangerous without even being in the car! Park your colossal testament to western excess close to adjacent streets so drivers pulling out onto a busy road can’t see oncoming traffic until they get broadsided by other cars.

So you can’t drive properly? Well, your problems are over! These clumsy murder wagons are designed to compensate by ploughing through any situation with all the subtlety of a charging rhinoceros in heat, while keeping you completely safe. Unfortunately, impact on regular cars and pedestrians becomes significantly more severe, but if they were concerned about their safety - they should have an SUV like you!

Use your height advantage: while following a car, put your headlights on, so it goes directly into their rear view mirror, thus blinding the driver and filling the interior with your halogen glare. Flash the high beams for added effect. This will encourage them to pull over (or crash) so you can pass!

Cars following behind you cannot see anything but your rear end. Throw in a few surprises like stopping suddenly.

Congratulations, you are now qualified!

Monday, 2 May 2011

Make your very own flawless conspiracy theory!

Do you like conspiracy theories? Well, create your own right now with my handy Conspiracy Theory Generator!
  1. Find news item where something major happens.
  2. Select your most hated politician, businessman or government.
  3. Provide a theory of why #2 would profit from event #1.
Base your theory on the following assumptions, and no matter how farfetched or implausible your theory is, you can’t go wrong!
  • People generally distrust those with power and wealth
  • People generally dislike those with power and wealth
  • There is a large high-tech room 30 stories under the Earth’s surface where leaders of the world gather secretly to decide how to destroy the planet while screwing the average Joe for their own amusement:

Seated L to R: Opus Dei, Illuminati, Oldest Living Vampire,  Head of Suppressed Inventions, Steven from accounts, JFK, Elvis.

Next throw in some catchy indefensible slogans: 
  • "Follow the money: whoever stands to gain the most is clearly guilty!"
  • "Absolute Power corrupts absolutely!"
  • "How convenient!"
  • "I read it online and the guy who posted it has nothing to gain except exposing the truth!"
    Now for some evidence. This is surprisingly easy! You don’t actually need conclusive evidence for a start: throw enough shoddy dubious ‘facts’ into the mix and now you have something that “raises more questions than it answers!"

    Cue ominous music.
    Even though pretty much every government is too bumbling and stupid to organise a keg party in a brewery - they will be able to mobilise hundreds of highly trained agents, scientists, engineers and support staff to flawlessly pull off major feats and cover up the nefarious deed with ruthless precision and absolute secrecy.


    Yet, in spite of the callous disregard for hundreds, even thousands of civilian lives, they won’t bother silencing the ‘experts’ and ‘insiders’, who are going to blow the whistle and bring the whole thing down. “How convenient!”

    "For the last time: where did you bury Jimmy Hoffa?"

    Graphs, pie charts and 3D computer models can do anything – especially turn the average armchair schlub into a discerning expert on complex physics, engineering, flight dynamics and yes... even rocket science!

    I have no idea what this graph is about, but I'm pretty sure it proves humidity is on the rise due to someone owning (and controlling) a weather machine for his/her financial gain.

    However nothing adds credibility to a hastily put together TV special quite like an ‘expert’ or ‘insider’. The fact he was fired by his previous employer due to incompetence, has wild staring eyes, a bad sweater, a tin-foil hat and is dismissed as a charlatan by several universities/ real experts etc is only more proof how deep the conspiracy runs. Eyewitness accounts will vary wildly. Out of say 500 people, you only need to get 3 on camera that vaguely support your theory. That’s less than 1%! (I did the math on my calculator, so now I’m an expert on statistics lol!)

    The Tin Man: worlds first example of using a tin hat device to deflect mind control waves, sent from a shadowy organisation. In this case, NASA.

    Finally the best part: the burden of proof in a conspiracy theory always lies with the accused to clear their own name. This will always reinforce the conspiracy theory - because denying involvement in the said conspiracy is exactly what a guilty party would be expected to say! It kind of has the same logic as the Salem Witch trials.

    "So... if I admit to being a 400 year old shape-shifter from another dimension... you'll put the fire out, right guys? Guys?"

    Now go to it - write your own before 'The Man' has you silenced!