Sunday, 15 May 2011

How to Drive Like an Asshole

So, you’ve just got your driver’s licence. You’ve aced the theory, nailed the practical, so you think you know all there is to know about diving incompetently, selfishly and dangerously on the roads right?
Driving like an asshole takes YEARS of practice to perfect. But since a key prerequisite of Asshole Driving is impatience, these 3 easy steps will help you get there... faster.

Asshole: Beginner

Mirrors are for applying lipstick, fixing your hair and checking to see if you have food between your teeth. That is all. The wing mirrors are ornamental, but can be used as a distance marker when scraping through a drive-thru.

When parking, never walk further than you have to. Just keep the car idling right outside the entrance until someone starts backing out. Let no one past you, and don’t reverse to let the guy out. Better they make a 20 point turn rather than inconvenience you!

Toss your empty drink bottles, cigarette butts and McRubbish out the window. People are paid good money to clean up after you. Give them something to do!

On the motorway, drive at least 40 kmph under the speed limit. During a thunderstorm, naturally speed up to 140 kmph.

The vehicle user manual suggests regular maintenance and servicing. Don't bother, it just costs money. Plus, the black plumes of smoke belching out of your exhaust hardly affect you, so why bother?

With your busy schedule, why not multi-task and save time. You can shave whole minutes off your day by doing other activities whilst you drive! Other motorists and pedestrians can adjust accordingly as you swerve all over the road while texting, playing with your GPS, reaching for another handful of drive-thru fries or reading the sports section of the paper.

When I'm at a gas station, I like to fill up, pay and get the hell out of there as fast as possible. Prevent that from happening by ordering a crappy cappuccino that takes 20 minutes to make from the one person serving behind the counter, as the restless queue grows.

Asshole: Intermediate

Always use the handicapped parks. How many disabled actually drive anyway? Judging by all the empty parks, not many. Hell, why not straddle two in case they scratch your paintwork getting out of their car? They can use the exercise anyway!

Merging (Them) If they wanted to get in front of you, they should’ve left home earlier! When they indicate to merge, speed up and close that gap. Pretend you don’t see them. Don’t make eye contact.

Merging (You) If you see cars are merging into one lane up ahead – here’s a good opportunity to make up for lost time. Bury the accelerator, shoot right to the front of the line and push in!

Speed Limits are merely a guide to be followed by other more inexperienced drivers – not you. You are skilled to drive as fast as you like.  Anyone merely doing the speed limit on the open road is slowing you down! Encourage them to pull over by closing that following distance and tailgate with your nose pressed hard into their rear end. If they brake suddenly, your cat-like reflexes and superior machinery will prevent an accident anyway, right?

 For you, this sign is in miles per hour = 80kmph!

Don't bother indicating. Extending a finger slightly to activate it only slows you down as you whip in and out of lanes in order to secure pole position at the next set of lights. Racing cars don’t have indicators because they have excellent drivers... just like you!
If turning into 2 way rush hour traffic, make sure the queue building behind going the other way can’t get past by hogging both lanes. You have to wait... so why shouldn’t they? Also use the turning lane when you are going straight ahead!

Advanced Masterclass: The SUV

Own and drive a ridiculously large SUV. Let’s ignore any Freudian reasons for needing a vehicle of this size, and concentrate on the benefits!

6 cylinders, 5 seats, 4 wheels and 1 asshole.

Street Parking: Here's where you can make the roads dangerous without even being in the car! Park your colossal testament to western excess close to adjacent streets so drivers pulling out onto a busy road can’t see oncoming traffic until they get broadsided by other cars.

So you can’t drive properly? Well, your problems are over! These clumsy murder wagons are designed to compensate by ploughing through any situation with all the subtlety of a charging rhinoceros in heat, while keeping you completely safe. Unfortunately, impact on regular cars and pedestrians becomes significantly more severe, but if they were concerned about their safety - they should have an SUV like you!

Use your height advantage: while following a car, put your headlights on, so it goes directly into their rear view mirror, thus blinding the driver and filling the interior with your halogen glare. Flash the high beams for added effect. This will encourage them to pull over (or crash) so you can pass!

Cars following behind you cannot see anything but your rear end. Throw in a few surprises like stopping suddenly.

Congratulations, you are now qualified!


  1. As always brian, a fantastic read ^_^
    I always look forward to reading your rants! Keep them coming!

  2. Cheers Rhiannon! And yes I will keep them coming, as I'm only just scratching the surface of things that irritate me. In fact I'm getting angry now just thinking about my next topic. GRRRRR!!!!

  3. Also, become a follower of this blog by joining under the "People that rule" banner!

  4. And don't forget that sidewalks can be used as a form of road extension if you are a busy Takapuna trophy wife. No one will mind if you drive ON THE SIDEWALK around the traffic light while on the phone, because YOU ARE IMPORTANT!
    Fuck pedestrians!

  5. Those that drive the shiny black Europoean SUV's are the worst, in particular Audi and BMW. They extend their pushy, arrogant sense of self importance onto the roads. Why do you need a truck to drive to get your nails done? I'd like to see them forced to get an extreme off-roading licence before being allowed to take one on the streets.