Monday, 2 May 2011

Make your very own flawless conspiracy theory!

Do you like conspiracy theories? Well, create your own right now with my handy Conspiracy Theory Generator!
  1. Find news item where something major happens.
  2. Select your most hated politician, businessman or government.
  3. Provide a theory of why #2 would profit from event #1.
Base your theory on the following assumptions, and no matter how farfetched or implausible your theory is, you can’t go wrong!
  • People generally distrust those with power and wealth
  • People generally dislike those with power and wealth
  • There is a large high-tech room 30 stories under the Earth’s surface where leaders of the world gather secretly to decide how to destroy the planet while screwing the average Joe for their own amusement:

Seated L to R: Opus Dei, Illuminati, Oldest Living Vampire,  Head of Suppressed Inventions, Steven from accounts, JFK, Elvis.

Next throw in some catchy indefensible slogans: 
  • "Follow the money: whoever stands to gain the most is clearly guilty!"
  • "Absolute Power corrupts absolutely!"
  • "How convenient!"
  • "I read it online and the guy who posted it has nothing to gain except exposing the truth!"
    Now for some evidence. This is surprisingly easy! You don’t actually need conclusive evidence for a start: throw enough shoddy dubious ‘facts’ into the mix and now you have something that “raises more questions than it answers!"

    Cue ominous music.
    Even though pretty much every government is too bumbling and stupid to organise a keg party in a brewery - they will be able to mobilise hundreds of highly trained agents, scientists, engineers and support staff to flawlessly pull off major feats and cover up the nefarious deed with ruthless precision and absolute secrecy.


    Yet, in spite of the callous disregard for hundreds, even thousands of civilian lives, they won’t bother silencing the ‘experts’ and ‘insiders’, who are going to blow the whistle and bring the whole thing down. “How convenient!”

    "For the last time: where did you bury Jimmy Hoffa?"

    Graphs, pie charts and 3D computer models can do anything – especially turn the average armchair schlub into a discerning expert on complex physics, engineering, flight dynamics and yes... even rocket science!

    I have no idea what this graph is about, but I'm pretty sure it proves humidity is on the rise due to someone owning (and controlling) a weather machine for his/her financial gain.

    However nothing adds credibility to a hastily put together TV special quite like an ‘expert’ or ‘insider’. The fact he was fired by his previous employer due to incompetence, has wild staring eyes, a bad sweater, a tin-foil hat and is dismissed as a charlatan by several universities/ real experts etc is only more proof how deep the conspiracy runs. Eyewitness accounts will vary wildly. Out of say 500 people, you only need to get 3 on camera that vaguely support your theory. That’s less than 1%! (I did the math on my calculator, so now I’m an expert on statistics lol!)

    The Tin Man: worlds first example of using a tin hat device to deflect mind control waves, sent from a shadowy organisation. In this case, NASA.

    Finally the best part: the burden of proof in a conspiracy theory always lies with the accused to clear their own name. This will always reinforce the conspiracy theory - because denying involvement in the said conspiracy is exactly what a guilty party would be expected to say! It kind of has the same logic as the Salem Witch trials.

    "So... if I admit to being a 400 year old shape-shifter from another dimension... you'll put the fire out, right guys? Guys?"

    Now go to it - write your own before 'The Man' has you silenced!

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